Monday, May 4, 2009

Adoption April : Adoption Q &A

So this is the last post of the "Adoption April" series that I decided to do, even though it's now May, I still have the question and answers that I got emailed. If you are just catching up, you can read the whole story from the first, second, third, fourth, and last weeks to now. This post is just questions that people may have emailed me or that I have gotten in the past that may help others understand adoption better. I don't mind talking about my adoption at all and I'm glad that you guys had some questions, seriously I've gotten some weird ones. My favorites are mostly, "Who do you call your parents?" or something like, "Are you and your brother born from the same mom and adopted into the same family?" Come on what are those chances....

Bonnie asked me these questions:

1) Do you think that subconsciously you have ever had trouble being in committed relationships because you were adopted?

I don't think I have the issue that some may deal with being 'unwanted'. I was always raised to believe that my birth mom was UNSELFISH enough to give me up for adoption because she realized that she was not in a place in her life to support me and give me the 'best life I could have' I solemnly believe that giving up a baby for adoption must be one of the hardest things that a women may ever have to do but at the same time it in incredibly unselfish of her. I don't think I have a problem committing because of abandonment because of my adoption at all. I can see how other people might have an issue if they were raised to believe that they were "unwanted" or "unloved."

2) I get the impression that you found your birth parents, although you haven't written about that yet. I'm very curious to see how that turned out. Also, I'd like to know if you have any thoughts on why some people who are adopted feel that they MUST find their birth parents and others could go either way. If you did find your birth parents, how did that happen? I know many adoptions are open these days--and you're young so maybe yours was?

I haven't found my birth parents but am not against finding them and feel that it would be interesting. I know some people who want nothing to do with their birth parents and I completely understand that too. With some people they might not be as open about their adoption but I think it has to be an individual choice. Some people are just curious about it, and just want to see what's out there, like myself and other people wouldn't even dare to think about that because of some feelings they might have towards them for how they were raised. I know there are some sites out there, but I think the best and most efficient way that I've found to start a search for them is through a private investigator. Some people may have the feeling of HAVING to find them for personal reasons. I think this is an 'to each their own' answer but everyone has different feelings about adoption.

3) Outside of the blog world, do you have trouble opening up to people about your true feelings about being adopted?

I honestly love talking about adoption and how I was adopted and how it is an option for people. Many people tell me well, I want to have 'my own kids' and sometimes that stings, but at the same time, I understand that. I am blessed to have the life I have and am forever grateful for my birth mom giving me the opportunity that I have now to be able to the live the life I have lived thus far. I really would love to advocate for adoption and think that it's a great thing that many couples don't take advantage of. I also think there is some kind of stigma that is associated with adoption, like you will get a drug baby, some baby with diseases or a homeless baby, which isn't true. There is also a stigma that you can only adopt out of the country. I'm not saying that everyone should adopt, but I do think there needs to be more education available to those who are even considering it, because I feel like people just don't know enough.

4) I would also just appreciate any general advice to people like me who are not adopted in how to better understand BFs and GFs who are adopted. I mean, as far as things you should say or ask about and things you shouldn't say or ask about--if anything.

I think every case is different, both me and my roommate have no problem discussing our adoption but at the same time I also know some people who it's very personal and I feel like if the person wants to talk about it, they will. I know it's hard to understand but at the same time, it's all depends on how they were raised to view adoption and how much information they have. I wouldn't mind any questions, but try to limit the ones that would have the possibility to hurt their feelings like, "Why didn't your birth parents want you?" or, "Why were you given up for adoption?" and "Are you a crack baby?" (classic one) I would ask more feeling questions, like, "How does it make you feel that you are adopted?" or you can always just say that you think it's cool. Don't be scared to ask, because they might like to talk about it, but just make sure that they want to and don't mind discussing it. :)

The Running Laminator asked me these:

1) How should a parent begin the process of "telling" the child that he/she was adopted?

Personally, I think it's best that the child adopted knows from birth, or there might be a feeling of 'secrecy' that could potentially hurt the relationship and family in the long term. If you are raising a child that is adopted, there is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF at all. God placed that child in your life for a reason, and it's a blessing. I think that a child should know from the beginning at that it should be celebrated, not a weird secret. It definitely made me understand adoption and why I was adopted better.

2) Does being adopted ever make you feel different from other kids in terms of relationship with parents? If so, in what way?

I have never felt any different from my parents at all. I have always felt like we had a good relationship when I was growing up and to me, being adopted wasn't weird because it was never treated like it was a weird thing.

IRJessica asked me this question:

Do you think if your parents had older birth children, you would have been adversely affected?

Honestly, I don't know. I wonder about that too, and if I would have different feelings towards them, but with how I was raised and how everything worked out for me and my family I think even if they had older children it wouldn't have bothered me.

Joanna asked me these questions:

I was just wondering about your birth mother and father. Do you talk to them? Stay in touch, etc?

Since I haven't met them, I don't talk to them but I would like to have some kind of relationship with them. I think it would be interesting to them to see what my life is like and I would love to know what they are like. I wonder if we would have the same sense of humor or look alike. The other day I was adding up how old they would be today with their birth dates that I have and it was weird because they would be 45 and around 50. I have never thought of that before! They are old! Even today I still feel like they are young, which doesn't make sense, but I would love to come in contact with them.

Did your adoption parents name you Danica or did your birth mother? Do you know why you were named that?

My dad actually named me Danica. My birth mom never named me, but in her honor I would love to name one of my children with her name because of the selfish thing she did for me. I was named Danica because my dad liked it? :) My dad named me and my mom named my brother, who was also adopted and was from another birth mom. Danica means morning star. I know my name is SICK and I honestly could do a whole post on how great unique names are and how I think my name has 'helped me' in life. :)

Susan asked me this question:

What do your adoptive parents think of you looking/considering looking for your real parents?

When my mom was alive, she always told me that if I wanted to find them that she would have no problem with that and it would be interesting to see what they were like. She said when the time was right they would come up. I haven't really had an in depth conversation with my dad about it, but I wouldn't think that he would have an issue with it either. My parents were always open about my birth parents and I know that they know I wouldn't be going out to find them for the wrong reasons.

Marlene asked me this question:

Would you consider adopting a child?

Yes! I would. I think it would be great, but I am no where in my life where children and babies look like fun just yet. I was a nanny for a 5 year old boy for a year and a half in college for 3-4 hours a day and that was about as much mommy as I could handle for a while. One day I hope to have children though, either the 'natural way' or through adoption. It just depends on whatever God wants for me and my husband at that time.

Sorry it's so blurry! :(

I am so glad that I was able to share all about my adoption with everyone! :) I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I loved sharing and if you ever have questions regarding adoption, feel free to email me! :)

Garmin review coming up tomorrow!



Newlywed Next Door said...

Great post! I really enjoyed this series. Really cool of you to share this!

J said...

Thanks for answering my questions! I really like your name so that is why I was wondering about it!

X-Country2 said...

Adoption April has ROCKED! Thank you so much for sharing.

(And I'd love to hear your name theory some day. My real name is uncommon, and I've always disliked it. :o)

Nicole said...

I've loved learning about adoption! Thanks for sharing!! :)

Anonymous said...

This has been such a great series Danica. I'm a regular reader, just commenting anonymously because I wanted to tell you that I sent links to your previous posts to my older sister. Her first child, a boy, was adopted by a married couple that she chose through an adoption agency. It has been a hard thing for her to deal with, being separated from him, but like you said, she is so *unselfish* for doing what she did. As an eighteen-year-old mother, she could not give him the kind of life that an established married couple could. She had an open adoption, and has met her son, who has always known that he was adopted. I had the chance to attend his 7th birthday party, and I am so glad that I was able to do that. I hope that once he's grown that he can be part of our family, and possibly attend our family reunions, if he wants to. We would love to have him.

So, thanks, I hope that birth mothers who feel the social stigma and judgement from others will come here and read about a young woman who is confident and happy and adopted, and feel at peace with their decision. There are so many things out there that tell birth mothers that their children will be scarred from being "abandoned", and you have shown that that is not always true. Your words are going to be a blessing to many people, I think. *hugs*

Ms. V. said...


Marlene said...

Thanks for answering my question. :)

This whole series has heped me get to know you much better. Thanks for sharing so much with us!

The Reality of Happily Ever After said...

I love all the questions and answers... maybe you can answer my question via email :)

I know that knowing my family history helps me understand why I am the way I am or have made some of the decisions I have made -- Are you interested in your Birth Parents family history for any of those reasons?

Amy said...

I really enjoyed reading about's not something many people are educated about, so thanks. I had a college friend who was adopted, and she also talked openly about it, which was great because we learned more about the process.

Denise said...

Thank you so much for sharing all that over April. I really enjoyed it!

J.J. said...

Thanks for sharing!!!! That is so cool that you can give this information out!!!! Hubby and I have 4 kiddos and are thinking of adopting (and have for quite sometime) #5. We would love to adopt an older girl, but are still praying about it and chacking things aout in our area.

Marge said...

Thanks so much for sharing all of Adoption April with us :) My good friend has two adopted boys and it is interesting to hear it from your perspective. They are still teeny tiny but I am always looking for ways to support them/their parents as they get older.

D10 said...

Thanks for sharing and answering all the questions!

Tara Gibson said...

great q&a I feel like i know you so much better now : )

P.O.M. said...

You're awesome.
That is all.
Thanks for sharing all of this.

Susan said...

Thanks for sharing and answering our questions!

Alisa said...

Great way to end Adoption April. I loved hearing your story.

You and I can share unique name stories sometime...mine gets mispronouced all the time.

FLYERS26 said...

Awesome post!
Thanks for sharing everything.

Marci said...

Thanks for AA - it really helped me see adoption in a whole different light, again, thanks for sharing!

Surrounded By Boys said...

I think you are right about making sure a child knows from birth that they've been adopted.
I recently found out that my aunt was adopted. My mom inadvertantly found out when she was about 16 and my grandma swore her to secrecy. Now the poor woman is 80-ish and has no clue she was adopted but it seems the whole rest of the family does (except her kids, of course). It's appalling that adoption used to be such a big secret when it's always been a beautiful choice on both sides, in my opinion.

Cindy said...

very cool of you to share your story. thanks!

RunToFinish said...

fantastic, seriously fantastic answers and thoughts on the whole subject

PDawg said...

Loved the whole series. Thanks for having the courage to share this. :)

jlc said...

You are such an amazing woman! Thanks for sharing your heart with us!

The Laminator said...

Thanks so much for answering my adoption questions. I admire the way you are so open about discussing it. It really makes a big difference and I've learned quite a bit following your posts over the past month.

Lucky in Love said...

You have such an amazing view on adoption...and I think it all seems to stem from your adoptive parents. You gave such great advice to those who would one day become those parents. Thank you so much for sharing your story!

SeeGirlRun said...

It's amazing how your experience mirrors my own. Adopted, always have known it. Used it to get out of a genetic/family tree project in 6th grade. Teacher didn't know how to handle it. ;-) We're special - we got "picked."


The Happy Runner said...

I really enjoyed reading your adoption posts! They've given me so much good information. Thanks for opening up and sharing all of this info about your life!